Jewish Wedding Guide

Aufruf

Aufruf is a Yiddish word that means "to call up" and has become the way many Jews refer to the honor a couple receives in advance of their wedding. In Jewish tradition, a common way to honor someone is by having an aliyah (being called up to the Torah and given a blessing). This is the first way we will celebrate together. On Saturday morning, during Shabbat services at our synagogue we will be called up to the Torah. After we bless the Torah and hear a few verses read out loud, one of the rabbis will give us a more personal blessing (in English) in honor of our upcoming wedding. Someone will likely pass out candy either right before we get called up or while we are up at the Torah. You should take one, or a handful, and as the blessing concludes everyone will start singing celebratory songs and you are invited to throw the candy at us as a symbol of this sweet moment. We will also start dancing and you should feel free to come up and join us. This will be good practice for the dancing to come on Sunday evening.

Tisch

Tisch is a Yiddish word that means "table" and has become the way that many Jews refer to the gathering around a table for singing and stories at joyous moments. Our wedding day will start with a tisch, a gathering together where we will sing songs and you all will be invited to share stories. Anyone is welcome to share a story. Our tisch leader Ken Miller will reach out to everyone as we get closer to the event with some logistics including a sign-up to tell a story.

Chuppah

The chuppah is the canopy that we will stand under during the wedding ceremony. It originates back to the bible, when Abraham sat at the entrance of his tent and invited strangers into his home. This chuppah represents the home we will continue to build together full of love, safety, and laughter. Atop the chuppah is a tallit (prayer shawl) that Gina made. After many years of wanting to learn to crochet and coping with disappointment after each person who offered to teach her quickly rescinding their offer after learning Gina was left handed, Gina taught herself. Naturally, Gina thought go big or go home, and decided to create something that would be used regularly. She learned and practiced different stitches in the creation of this tallit. Eur wedding chuppah is its big debut and then Gina will continue to use it as a tallit during prayer services.

Shutafut Ceremony

Traditionally the brit (commitment) is made through kiddushin, a ceremony of acquisition. For many modern couples, this once one-sided tradition has become one of co-acquisition in which each partner acquires the other. Neither of us loved the idea of kiddushin (acquisition); it just did not sit right with how we think about our love and life together. As a queer couple our marriage is already not recognized by the Rabbinut (the religious authority) so we gave ourselves permission to look further in our tradition for alternatives to the kiddushin ceremony. We decided instead to use the Shutafut ceremony, one based on the laws of business partnership. We are beginning our married life together in the business of love and commitment. We will explain the components of the ceremony further once we have established the ceremony with our rabbi.

Seven Circles

Traditionally at a Jewish wedding ceremony the bride makes seven circles around the groom. There are many explanations for why this is done and the one that we like best is that it is a representation of creating our life together in the same way that the world was created in seven days. Many couples have adapted this tradition by having each partner circle the other three times and then completing the last circle together. Both because there is no groom and because we want to represent a partnership of mutuality and egalitarianism this will be our practice. This will be the first part of our chuppah ceremony after we walk down the aisle.

Breaking a Glass

Breaking a glass is a quintessential element of a Jewish wedding, something that most people know about even if they have never heard of any of these other components. As with most Jewish traditions, there are many explanations for why we do this and everyone you ask will likely have a different answer. Some of our favorite explanations are: The broken pieces of the glass represent the broken pieces of the world and as a couple we are committed to tikun olam (repairing the world) and making the world a better place. The broken pieces of the glass are a reminder of the fragility of relationships and that we must take seriously our commitment to each other to treat each other with care and kindness. Traditionally the wedding ceremony ends with the groom stepping on the glass; many egalitarian couples have a tradition of each stepping on a glass or stepping on the glass together. As is true in many of the other choices we have made about how to mark this moment, we will both be stepping on a glass. We plan to repurpose the shards by creating something new; perhaps a mezuzah or kaleidoscope, only time will tell.

Ketubah/Brit Ahuvot

A Jewish wedding is codified through the ketubah (wedding contract) which discusses the terms of acquisition. Because we chose not to mark our commitment through kiddushin we needed to find a new document that reflected the commitment we were making. As a contract for our partnership we adopted a newer document, brit ahuvot (covenant of loving partners), which is part of the conservative movement’s establishment of queer wedding rituals. When we started talking to our rabbi about our options, he showed us this as a starting point and we both loved it after reading it for the first time. You will hear it read out loud during our wedding ceremony and witness us signing it as we commit to one another. The document itself is handwritten. The Hebrew is scribed by our friend, Rabbi Myra Meskin, who also happens to be a soferet (scribe) and the English is scribed by Gina who looks for any excuse to DIY something and thought it would be fun to pick up a calligraphy pen again. Ketubot are often decorated and hung in the couple's home. We ran through a lot of ideas for our ketubah art, including considering commissioning a friend to create something for us and nothing felt quite right. We eventually decided we would dry and press our wedding flowers and use them to create the artwork that will frame our wedding contract.

I am not Jewish, what am I allowed to do and not allowed to do at your wedding?

The only thing you can not do at our wedding is get married (only we can do that). Whether you are Jewish or not you can participate in all the parts of the wedding festivities. In fact, we encourage as much participation as you are comfortable with. Your job as our guest is to witness us (this is actually a requirement for the validity of our marriage) and to celebrate.

Do I need to wear a yarmulke?

The short answer is no. If you have been to other Jewish events, even other Jewish weddings, you have probably seen many people wearing a variety of different types of head coverings. Wearing a head covering is a custom in the practice of humility. In some communities and spaces there is a request that all people (or all men), Jewish or otherwise, wear a head covering as a sign of respect. That is unnecessary at our wedding. You will see some people wearing head coverings and that is because it is their practice to wear one all the time or when "doing Jewish."

Is there something special I should say to you on the occasion of your wedding?

We welcome any well wishes and celebrations!If you are looking for the Jewish phrase, it is mazel tov, which translates directly to "good luck" and colloquially means congratulations.

Simcha Dancing: Dancing is a big part of Jewish celebrations and we would love for you to participate however you are comfortable. This will happen at our aufruf and again at our wedding reception. Our friend and Horah Captain Neil Spears will reach out closer to our event with more information about all that is included in the simcha dancing portion of our wedding reception and will be a great point of contact for any questions you have about participating. During the simcha dancing a few specific things will happen in addition to dancing the horah (a traditional jewish dance of celebration):

Chair Raising - There is actually no formal reason why we raise someone in a chair when celebrating a milestone moment with them, but it has become TRADITION. Some speculate that the practice comes from the idea that newly married couple should be treated like royalty. Additionally, the act of lifting up is physically elevating the couple, symbolizing the elevation of joy. If you are wondering, no one in particular has been tasked with this job, so if you are feeling particularly strong in this moment of joy, please come forward and help lift us up literally and figuratively.

Shtick - There is a mitzvah (commandment) to entertain the newly married couple on their wedding day. Typically at some point during the simcha dancing we will be invited to sit in the middle of the dance floor and you may see people pulling out costumes and props. Friends and family will take turns coming up to us to “put on a show.” Often these little skits or dances reflect inside jokes or funny memories. If you want to jump in with something silly, we promise we will happily go along with it and highly encourage anyone to participate. This is typically something that happens fairly organically. We invite everyone to participate and as we get closer to the event our Horah Captain Neil Spears will reach out to you with more information and will be available to answer any questions.

Singing: There will be lots of singing any time people are gathered together. Songs will be sung in English and Hebrew and there will even be some wordless songs called niggunim. Singing in a new place or in a language you don't know can be intimidating so we have offered some ways that you can join in however you are most comfortable.

Option 1: Singing

If you know the words (or want to try), sing along!

We are including the words to a popular wedding song that we’ll be singing many times to many different tunes.

עוד ישמע בערי יהודה

Od Yishama v’arei Yehudah

ובחוצות ירושלים

Oo’v’hut’tzot Yerushalayim

קול ששון וקול שמחה

Kol sasson v’kol simcha

קול כלה וקול רַעְיָה

Kol kallah v’kol raya

Translation: Yet again it shall be heard in the cities of Judah // and in the streets of Jerusalem // the voice of joy and gladness // the voice of the bride and the voice of the partner.

* The last line of the song is traditionally, “kol haton b’kol kallah” means “the voice of the groom and the voice of the bride,” but because there is no groom here (surprise!) we have changed the words to “kol kallah v’kol raya” (which means the voice of the bride and the voice of the partner) to reflect the titles that feel euphoric to each of us.

Option 2: Humming

If you don’t know the words or are too scared to say the wrong words, try humming, whistling, or even saying “yai nai nai” or “yai dai dai.” Some songs, that we call niggunim, are wordless songs and these literally are the words we say.

Option 3: Making noise!

If you don’t want to sing or hum along, help us bring the energy to the next level and make some noise! Bang on the table, clap your hands, stomp your feet! The more ruckus the better.

Whether this is your first Jewish wedding or your 120th Jewish wedding, we want to make sure that you know what’s happening and how to participate. Yes, we said participate. A Jewish wedding is very participatory and the more you participate the more fun we will all have.